Guilt
Shame
What part lands on my shoulders?
Staying with him
Which him?
Either one of them.
They both hurt me.
One started 9 years ago.
One 9 months ago.
How could I have been so stupid
Again???
Falling for the grooming
The love-bombing
The sweet talk
The attention from an attractive man
Making me feel
Wanted
Loved
Cared for
Adored
But it was all fake
All a lie to get me…
What?
In his back pocket?
I wasn’t first choice
For this pathetic man.
I was just a plaything.
Just flesh to mark.
How do I reconcile this
With how I felt about him?
I honestly can’t.
I have to go through this.
I have to feel what I feel.
I’m stuck in this hurricane
And there’s no way out but through.
Through the darkness.
Through the storms of my emotions.
Through the fear.
Through the agony.
Through every emotion
That threatens to overwhelm me.
I’m really trying to just get through this
Without self harming
Without cutting
Without burning
Without random sexual encounters.
I’m working on writing,
Painting,
Sketching,
Talking on the phone,
Cooking
Cleaning
Doing productive things
Instead of harmful.
I think it’s working?
I don’t really know.
I’m faking it to the best of my ability.
Nobody would know if I didn’t tell them.
So I guess that means it’s working…
… At least as far as everyone else is concerned.
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