Alone with my mind again today. I wish I could get out of this depressive episode already. I just feel so lost.
Lost.
Needy.
Stupid
Stupid
Brain dump
Let’s see what nightmares lay hidden today
Wanna cut
Wanna bruise
But I can’t
I could
But I won’t
He’s not worth it
Don’t let me go
Who am I even talking to?
Anyone.
Don’t let me go
I need to be held
I need to be held together.
My pieces all feel like they’re going to fly apart
Scattering to the wind
Never to be found again
Why is this so hard?
Why am I taking this so hard?
This is stupid
Stupid.
Half-asleep nights and barely-there days,
The depression seems to swallow me whole.
Angry music
Sad music
Happy music
None of it changes anything
When the numbness takes over my spirit.
None of it has a chance.
The music is at least a distraction,
As is the writing.
The writing gets out all this gunk
Filling my stupid broken damaged mind.
Something in me broke that day.
Something inside me cracked.
I’m afraid it’s going to shatter all the way
If I allow my heart to feel what my mind knows.
So I follow a routine now.
Get up,
Make coffee,
Sit at the computer and write,
Chat,
Text,
Avoid
Avoid
Avoid the pain.
Sit with the darkness in my mind,
Don’t let it touch my soul.
Look at it,
But don’t touch it.
Hush honey,
It’s not that bad.
It’s just a broken heart
.
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