Journal 1/25/23 a poem for my daughter

The life that never got to live.

She would have been beautiful.

A child with a wild spirit,

Bright and inquisitive,

With bouncing curls like her big brother

And shining blue eyes like her parents,

I picture her climbing trees,

Chasing after Caleb down the bike trails.

What would her favorite color have been?

Her favorite foods?

Would she like to read?

Would she be into art?  Music?  Science?  Math?

What would my little girl have been like?

Who would she have been?

I’ve seen her in my dreams,

But is that who she would have really been?

Am I delusional to think I’ve seen her?

To think I’ve spoken to her?

Only in dreams,

But they felt like an alternate reality,

One where she survived.

One where she’s getting to grow up.

One where she’s going to be seven in July.

One where she isn’t dead.

One where I stayed away from Samy

Long enough for her to be born.

One where I didn’t fuck everything up.

One where her own father didn’t kill her.

The life that never got to live.

Never got to live.

My baby girl.

My Ella Mae.

word association exercise turned poetry

Lost

Found

Keys

Hearts

Broken

Fractured

Souls

Spirits

Twin flames

Meant to be

Loves me not

Not worth it

It hurts

Same old story

Lies

Betrayal

Same old story

Hurt

Sad

No, not sad

Depressed

No showers

Too hard

You’re weak

Pathetic

No, tired of being strong

Tired of struggle

Tired of tired

Tired of being forgotten

Tired of left on read

Tired of humanity’s worst

Tired of all this bullshit

Tired

So very tired

Tormented

Souls

Hell

Hell on earth

Empty arms where a child should be.

Brain Dump 1/18/23

Guilt

Shame

What part lands on my shoulders?

Staying with him

Which him?

Either one of them.

They both hurt me.

One started 9 years ago.

One 9 months ago.

How could I have been so stupid

Again???

Falling for the grooming

The love-bombing

The sweet talk

The attention from an attractive man

Making me feel 

Wanted

Loved

Cared for

Adored

But it was all fake

All a lie to get me…

What?

In his back pocket?

I wasn’t first choice

For this pathetic man.

I was just a plaything.

Just flesh to mark.

How do I reconcile this

With how I felt about him?

I honestly can’t.

I have to go through this.

I have to feel what I feel.

I’m stuck in this hurricane

And there’s no way out but through.

Through the darkness.

Through the storms of my emotions.

Through the fear.

Through the agony.

Through every emotion 

That threatens to overwhelm me.

I’m really trying to just get through this

Without self harming

Without cutting 

Without burning

Without random sexual encounters.

I’m working on writing,

Painting,

Sketching,

Talking on the phone,

Cooking

Cleaning

Doing productive things

Instead of harmful.

I think it’s working?

I don’t really know.

I’m faking it to the best of my ability.

Nobody would know if I didn’t tell them.

So I guess that means it’s working…

… At least as far as everyone else is concerned.

Erased

inside the storm

Lately I feel as though I'm huddling in the center of a storm of emotion. If I reach out and touch the hurricane, I will be obliterated. There will be nothing left of me but emotion. I won't be me anymore. I will be rage. I will be grief. I will be bewilderment. I will be agony. I will be emptiness. I will be all these things and more, and I will lose myself to the  insanity.

I don't think the painting is done yet.

Happy New Year (yeah, right)

I loved him. I love him still. But his lies coil inside me like an oily slick snake, making me sick. They say we're only as sick as our secrets, but what about the secrets of others? How do those affect us when they finally come out? My psyche feels fractured, my soul is scooped out. I can't think. I can barely exist. I let my dog out. I let my dog in. Reading his words from someone else's screen, the images burned into my retinas, but still I look back at the pictures. This man who told me he loved me repeatedly told someone else he didn't. Truth? Lies? Which is which? Who did he love? Neither? My god, my chest feels like it's caving in, and I can hardly breathe when I let myself linger in this emotion. Grief? I have always hidden from grief. She is too much to bear. I would rather feel anger, physical pain, or, best of all, nothing.

The urge to self harm comes quietly. It's sneaky. Kind of like betrayal. A problem to be solved. Kind of like me, if you believe what he wrote to her. Just a situation to be dealt with, nothing more.

I turn the feelings off.

Happy New Year to me.

empty

Bad Day

Today is one of my bad days.  

One of my can’t be alone days.  

One of my left alone with my thoughts for too long, I may do something drastic days.  

One of my don’t leave me don’t leave me don’t leave me days.  

One of my sad days, tragedy days, woe is me days.  

One of my can’t get out of my head days.  

One of my don’t want to get out of bed days.  

One of my best to be around people days.  

One of my coffee won’t help, weed won’t help, sex won’t help days.  

One of my leave me alone, no don’t! days.  

One of my help me please days.  

One of my lower than low days.  

One of my smiles are few and far between days.  

One of my needy days.  

One of my want to talk but want to not talk days.  

One of my contrary days.  

One of my empty days.  

One of my lonely days.  

One of my scooped out soul days.  

One of my autopilot, in a daze, through the haze days.

One my oh so numb but it somehow still hurts deeply days.

One of my don’t think about it don’t think about it don’t think about it don’t think about it don’t think about it days.

One of my hide me days.

One of my hold me days.

One of my hurt me days.

One of my make me cry I can’t take this numbness anymore days.

Yes, today is one of my bad days.

And I leave it at that

When people ask.

Brain Dump 1/14/2023 trigger warning sexual content, language

I hate you.  

I hate you.  

I despise you.  

I detest you.  

I hope you die.  

No I don’t.

I hope you live, but suffer.

I loved you.

I cared for you.

I wanted something with you.

But you betrayed me.

You told my secrets.

You said you didn’t love me

While telling me you did.

I want to know the truth.

I never will.

I have to accept that.

Radical acceptance.

Fuck radical acceptance.

Fuck all this bullshit.

This hurts so much.

Last night I was writhing in my bed 

With the pain caused by your actions.

Writhing.

Clawing at my chest.

Clawing at my bare legs.

Slapping myself in the face and head.

Punching myself in the arm.

Weeping.

Wailing.

Screaming into my pillow.

You caused this pain,

You self-centered, arrogant, selfish,

Fucking piece of shit.

I know I keep using this word,

BETRAYAL,

But that’s what it is.

It’s one of the deepest betrayals I’ve known,

Aside from Samy,

And that’s saying something.

Today I am a vessel 

For this acidic rage burning in my belly

Making everything a hazy red

As I punch the wall despite my hand 

Already being bloodied from the past few days.

You.

You.

YOU.

Y O U.

I fucking hate your fucking GUTS.

I wish you the suffering 

Of a thousand Spanish Inquisitions.

And still it won’t be enough.

I wish you burning, blistering, festering sores

All over your body.

I wish you sadness, loneliness, to die alone,

With nobody to care anymore.

I wish you hunger, burning flesh, terror,

All bad things in your life.

I wish you nothing good

Ever again.

I hate you.

I know hate is not the opposite of love.

I know this.

I despise every memory I have of you.

I hate that I can still feel your hands on me

If I just close my eyes.

I hate that the taste of your lips

Lingers in my brain.

I hate that I can still touch you in my mind,

Your body slick with sweat,

Your eyes intense, 

Almost looking through me.

Of course you probably don’t see me.

You just see the piece of flesh you get to cut on,

The piece of flesh you get to fuck,

The piece of flesh you get to slap

And grab 

And bruise

And destroy.

Destroy from within.

I let you destroy me.

I let you in.

I let you in on my deepest, darkest secrets,

And you shared them with others.

You broke my confidence.

You betrayed my trust.

Oh, how I loved you.

No, not love.

I was infatuated with you.

I was lost in you.

Maybe I should be blaming myself,

Hating myself,

Loathing myself.

But it was not my actions 

That caused this anguish.

All I did was trust the wrong person.

Is there shame in that?

Is that something to feel guilty about?

If not,

Then why do I feel so ashamed and guilty?

I didn’t know I was the other woman.

Hell, I was the other woman

To many women.

It makes me sick.

You make me sick.

Sick.

Twisted up inside.

All in knots.

Make it stop.

You used to comfort me.

You used to be my safe place.

Now you’re the cause of my suffering.

And I don’t know what to do with that.

Brain Dump 1/15/2023 Trigger Warning self harm

Alone with my mind again today.  I wish I could get out of this depressive episode already.  I just feel so lost.

Lost.

Needy.

Stupid

Stupid

Brain dump

Let’s see what nightmares lay hidden today

Wanna cut

Wanna bruise

But I can’t

I could

But I won’t

He’s not worth it

Don’t let me go

Who am I even talking to?

Anyone.

Don’t let me go

I need to be held

I need to be held together.

My pieces all feel like they’re going to fly apart

Scattering to the wind

Never to be found again

Why is this so hard?

Why am I taking this so hard?

This is stupid

Stupid.

Half-asleep nights and barely-there days,

The depression seems to swallow me whole.

Angry music

Sad music

Happy music

None of it changes anything

When the numbness takes over my spirit.

None of it has a chance.

The music is at least a distraction,

As is the writing.

The writing gets out all this gunk

Filling my stupid broken damaged mind.

Something in me broke that day.

Something inside me cracked.

I’m afraid it’s going to shatter all the way

If I allow my heart to feel what my mind knows.

So I follow a routine now.

Get up,

Make coffee,

Sit at the computer and write,

Chat,

Text,

Avoid

Avoid

Avoid the pain.

Sit with the darkness in my mind,

Don’t let it touch my soul.

Look at it,

But don’t touch it.

Hush honey,

It’s not that bad.

It’s just a broken heart

.