You see, two days ago, when delivering a painting to a buyer (who was also a friend), he felt it was appropriate to try to coerce me into sex. When coercion wasn't working, he switched from kissing me to having me pinned under him on the couch as he told me how easy it would be to fully violate me. As though what he was doing wasn't a violation? I'm not going to give you full detail, but I will insert the page from my sketchbook that I did that night here:
This is where I'm going to get into therapy details. As most of the people in my life know, I didn't start doing artwork until 2017, which is when I joined an art therapy program. I learned quickly to stop trying to make my art look like anything "real to life". I could paint emotion. I could write like nobody's business. So I started to imagine that I was writing a story with a paintbrush. Nobody else had to understand it. That was the key for me: nobody else had to understand it in order for it to be valid. As long as I knew what I was trying to convey, it didn't matter that person A didn't see the same thing person B saw. It brought home the saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder".
Art is subjective. Each person experiences it differently. For example, paintings of a religious scene with angels and demons battling over humanity does nothing for me. It shows me a scene and nothing more. Show me children playing, and I can feel their joy. Show me color and emotion, and I feel it in my soul. Everyone creates differently.
I bring up struggle because I'm having artist block. Lack of inspiration. I think it's because of the nature of this assault two days ago. I was delivering a painting. Suddenly, selling my work feels dangerous. A byproduct of that fear is a block to my work. To my therapy. To something that has brought me joy.
This is when we must challenge ourselves to push through. This is when we take a step back and ask: Am I going to allow this sorry excuse of a man to take away my love of painting? Am I going to let his actions take over my psyche so badly that I go back to barely functioning? Or am I going to stand up, punch him in the metaphorical d***, and continue to be my amazing self?
Yes, I had a trauma. Yes, it brought up past traumatic experiences. Yes, it affects me. But I will not allow his poison to kill me or my passion. He doesn't get to have that power, because I will not give it to him.
For any of you who have gone through trauma, I hope you can find something to hold onto to bring you back to your own power. We all deserve to move forward.
Healing and Abundance,
Jenny
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