Silenced -- Content Warning!!!

Content Warning!!!

"Silenced" 10x10 acrylics on canvas board

$95 without framing

$115 with framing

For anyone who has been sexually abused, we learn to stay silent.  Whether we were threatened, knew instinctively to keep our mouths shut, or were shamed by those we tried to open up to, we allowed ourselves to be silenced.  Silenced by fear.  Silenced by shame.  Silenced by the feeling that talking about it isn't going to change what has already happened.  Silenced by the lie that to be quiet about our abuse is what we should do.

This painting took me some time.  First I drew with pencil, depressed and anxious, unsure how to draw it out.  How do you draw the scooped out and voiceless feeling of surviving sexual abuse?

For me, I had to reach inside and figure out what it was I felt.  To be able to put the words "scooped out and voiceless" to what I was feeling helped me be able to draw what was happening in my head.  The reality of being sexually assaulted again after the number of times I've had it happen in my life felt like being slapped upside the head. 

Honestly, I don't know how long it's going to take me to get through this.  It is devastating.  I feel lost and angry and sad and scooped hollow and there is this level of self-loathing I haven't felt in a long time.  I am working through this with my art, my therapists, and writing in my journal regularly.  Whether or not I am in the mood to write or paint or draw, I buckle down and give it a shot anyway.  It is the way I pick myself back up from the ground, dust myself off, and work on moving forward. 

Sometimes we have to take that step to move forward whether we want to or not.  We definitely don't want to stay stuck in our rut.  It's okay to get in a rut.  Just don't furnish it.  Don't get comfortable there.  Stand up.  Climb out.  Take the tiniest step forward, which will lead to another step, which eventually leads to a forward momentum that will fuel your fight.  Find your voice.  Use it.  Do not allow them to silence you again.

Healing and a Voice,

Jenny

Fallen

This has been an incredibly difficult week for me.  As I work through some of my trauma responses, I have been painting a lot.  This post contains my adaptation of a fallen angel.  She is bruised.  She has been broken.  She has been betrayed and abandoned, bloodied and left to die.  But she is not destroyed.  She rises every single time she gets knocked down.

This fallen angel is like any of us who has been dealing with trauma.  We have our scars from everything we've been through, but as we learn to cope, we can rise to our full potential.

I don't have it in me to write a whole lot.  So I'll leave you with this thought: as you heal, finding the things that bring you joy is of utmost importance.  As you learn more about what lies underneath it all, in your soul, deep within yourself, you will be able to find more and more joy. 

Healing and Delight,

Jenny

Struggle

I have been struggling to find inspiration the past few days. I'm going to add a content warning here due to some of the details I'm about to share.

You see, two days ago, when delivering a painting to a buyer (who was also a friend), he felt it was appropriate to try to coerce me into sex. When coercion wasn't working, he switched from kissing me to having me pinned under him on the couch as he told me how easy it would be to fully violate me. As though what he was doing wasn't a violation? I'm not going to give you full detail, but I will insert the page from my sketchbook that I did that night here:

This is where I'm going to get into therapy details. As most of the people in my life know, I didn't start doing artwork until 2017, which is when I joined an art therapy program. I learned quickly to stop trying to make my art look like anything "real to life". I could paint emotion. I could write like nobody's business. So I started to imagine that I was writing a story with a paintbrush. Nobody else had to understand it. That was the key for me: nobody else had to understand it in order for it to be valid. As long as I knew what I was trying to convey, it didn't matter that person A didn't see the same thing person B saw. It brought home the saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". 

Art is subjective. Each person experiences it differently. For example, paintings of a religious scene with angels and demons battling over humanity does nothing for me. It shows me a scene and nothing more. Show me children playing, and I can feel their joy. Show me color and emotion, and I feel it in my soul. Everyone creates differently.

I bring up struggle because I'm having artist block. Lack of inspiration. I think it's because of the nature of this assault two days ago. I was delivering a painting. Suddenly, selling my work feels dangerous. A byproduct of that fear is a block to my work. To my therapy. To something that has brought me joy.

This is when we must challenge ourselves to push through. This is when we take a step back and ask: Am I going to allow this sorry excuse of a man to take away my love of painting? Am I going to let his actions take over my psyche so badly that I go back to barely functioning? Or am I going to stand up, punch him in the metaphorical d***, and continue to be my amazing self? 

Yes, I had a trauma. Yes, it brought up past traumatic experiences. Yes, it affects me. But I will not allow his poison to kill me or my passion. He doesn't get to have that power, because I will not give it to him.

For any of you who have gone through trauma, I hope you can find something to hold onto to bring you back to your own power. We all deserve to move forward.

Healing and Abundance,

Jenny

A New Challenge Medium

This is the acceptable drawing I did using soft core colored pencils -- my new nemesis in the art world! Turns out I can't stand soft core colored pencils. They don't stay sharpened, they look blurry, it's impossible to get fine lines... But I'm trying anyway.  What is art if not to challenge our limits?

Challenging our limits can be therapeutic at times. Like working with the most expensive pencils I've ever owned and realizing I hate them. I kind of have to laugh because I had these expectations that were not met at all. I expected hard core colored pencils, not soft. I expected it to be love at first pencil stroke, not frustration. I expected satisfying lines, perfect blending, sharp images... But, while waiting for an interested buyer, I'm trying to use them anyway. See if I can get past my wall where they are concerned.

It's important to try new things, even if you're uncertain. Only in trying can we decide if we truly like something or not. I guess that's the only message I truly want to leave you with today. It's okay to try and fail or try and realize you don't like something. But never trying at all is the same as failing automatically.

Healing and Progress,

Jenny

Freedom Dancer

SOLD! 

"Freedom Dancer" 8x8 acrylic on canvas board

$75 without frame

$95 with frame

I'm going to keep this short tonight because it's been a long day and I'm starting on a migraine. 

Today I had sensory therapy. Basically, you go through and tell your trauma story using your different senses. The last step is the therapist telling your story back to you. Weirdest thing I've done to date, listening to someone else tell my story. It felt super creepy. But it took a lot of the sting out of the event, and I was left feeling hopeful and more free. Hence "Freedom Dancer". 

She makes me happy. I hope she does the same for you.

Healing and Freedom,

Jenny

CONTENT WARNING -- Too Late

As many people in my life know, I am a domestic violence (DV) survivor.  I painted this piece when I was feeling very down, attacked, sad, and hopeless.  Since the initial painting of it, I have worked on it on a few separate occasions.  I can't look at it for too long without being reminded of where I could have ended up if I hadn't left my situation.  Hence the title "Too Late".

I think it's important to acknowledge the "could-have-been" in these situations.  It helps to keep us from entering into similar situations.  Which, by the way, didn't work for me.  I ended up in another DV situation in 2018 -- only two years after picking up my entire life to get away from an abuser.  So this painting is a double-edged sword for me.  It shows the type of thing that used to happen all the time: choked until unconscious, bruises on my arms and legs and face, makeup smeared from being spit on and degraded, blood running in rivulets down my body after he'd taken a knife to my skin and then to my most sensitive parts.  I remember staying as still as I possibly could, terrified he would cut me open as he had threatened to do if I screamed while he raped me with his freshly sharpened knife.

I will leave that experience behind.  Eventually.  As I heal, it is slightly less vivid.  But sometimes healing is unpretty, and that is why I am including this piece here.

Healing and Light,

Jenny

Rising to Challenges

I had surgery on my right wrist and elbow for carpal and cubital tunnel about 2 months ago.  I was all wrapped up and couldn't use my right hand for much of anything.  I could barely pull up my own pants without intense pain. 

So I did all my artwork with my left hand for a few weeks.  As frustrating as it was, I came up with some decent paintings.  My sketches... Not so much.

But this post is about rising to life's challenges.  What do we do when a challenge comes our way?  Do we automatically throw our hands up and quit before even trying?  Or do we keep making the effort and try until we know we've done our best?

I used to be a quitter.  If things weren't going my way, if life was too hard, if a relationship wasn't the way I hoped it would be, I would simply quit.  If I didn't know I could get something right, I wouldn't even try.  My fear of failing these challenges led me to fail by default.

Not anymore.  Now I strive to rise to the challenges thrown my way.  Is it easy?  Not at all.  But nothing in life worth having is going to be easy.

Healing and Perseverence,

Jenny

Fear and Anxiety

Today in Process Painting (one of my art therapy groups), we talked about fear and anxiety, and how to overcome them.  One of the things they talked about was exposure therapy.  I'm starting exposure therapy next week, and, if I'm totally honest, I am f***ing terrified.  My trauma therapist will be purposely attempting to trigger my dissociation.  What's scary about that is that I struggle to keep my composure, my control, over everything.  When I dissociate, I no longer have control.  i am in an extremely vulnerable state.

Now, I trust my therapist enough to know that he won't take advantage of the situation.  He has always been a good example of how men should treat women in their care.  With caring, but professionalism at the same time.  So I'm not really worried about that.

I'm not completely sure what I'm so afraid of.  Myself?  The experience of losing time and not knowing what just went on during that lost time?  Knowing I likely appear functional, but I'm not really present?  Doing all this work with him while dissociated, but not remembering any of it later?  Because that has happened before.  That's why I've taken to writing things down.  Sometimes I don't remember writing things down at all.  It's honestly very eerie.

But! Exposure therapy helps to desensitize a person to the things that trigger them.  Whether it's smells, sounds, tastes, etc.  Whatever it is, it's used to trigger the client over and over and over until it no longer triggers them.  One example:  I hate saying the word "rape".  I despise it.  It's an ugly word.  In the past, this therapist had me start with an easier word, "bad", and simply say it over and over and over and over until told to stop.  This was meant to show me that if you say it enough times, it starts to lose its meaning.  This can be a good thing.  In my mind, it can also be a bad thing.  I wouldn't want "I love you" to lose its meaning.  I wouldn't want "you are amazing" to lose its meaning.  So some of these techniques are to be used only with words we have a negative association with.

One of the techniques shared today was to correct "thinking mistakes".  This means that, when we have a way of thinking (eg: going outside will lead to pain), we are to challenge that thought and work on overcoming it with a more positive thinking process.  So when I'm all worried about doing exposure therapy, rather than thinking "this is terrifying", perhaps I'll try to replace that thought with "this is the first of many steps towards me healing my trauma".  And that is what I am choosing to do.

At the end of the video we watched, we were told to paint or draw what our fear and anxiety actually look like.  Not the things we have fear or anxiety about, but the emotions themselves.  Before we started, we were reminded that the primary goal in facing fear is to actually face fear.  Let me repeat that: the primary goal in facing fear is to actually face it.  This takes courage.  Courage does not mean a lack of fear, but the ability to face what we're facing despite the fear.

Healing and Courage,
Jenny

The Hated Medium

So I'm going to preface this by saying that I was so upset my therapist had me use watercolor! You see, watercolor is one of my least favorite of all the media out there. Lines don't seem to work the same. Shading is bullshit. Fine Lines? Forget it.

Which means I really surprised myself by loving this piece of therapy art! I may actually start framing some of my work just to have in my room or future home. If I do, this will be the first from this book.

Healing and Love,

Jenny

Sketch "dump"

Top: Tormented

Bottom: A Glance

Insanity

Submerged

Aging Gracefully

Shedding

patchwork Me

I'm not going to say a whole lot with this one. At the moment, I am incredibly worn out and a bit foggy-brained.

This was probably the first drawing I did that I didn't hate. She's my patchwork Me. Fragmented but functioning. I drew her when D.I.D. was suggested as a diagnosis for the first time.

Healing and Light,

Jenny

Animals and Healing

I want to talk for a minute about how animals affect our lives.  I have often found that being around animals brings me comfort, peace, joy, and a general all-over sense of well-being.  If you have a pet, you know what I'm talking about.  That sense of security.

You see, animals love unconditionally.  If you step on their toe, they don't hold it against you for the next ten years.  If you don't have dinner ready at their usual time, they give a gentle reminder and don't hold it against you.  

Having a pet or an emotional support animal (ESA) is a lot of responsibility. But it also gives a lot of purpose to each day.  Who will take care of them if not you?  How would it affect their everyday life if you were gone?

I recently came into a beautiful and loving pitbull whose name is Knight.  He has been traumatized, and he is quite clingy.  But I love him and I love his clinging!  I feel so much more secure mentally and physically with him beside me.  He almost always looks sad or concerned, so I go out of my way to get happy reactions from him.  Knight has been incredibly good for me.  He's even got me walking out in this nasty Arizona heat!

If you are unable to have a pet, there are options out there.  Animal shelters are often looking for volunteers to help care for their critters.  I'm sure a friend with pets would be okay with you having some snuggle time with their babies.  Feed some strays.  Spoil someone else's furbaby.  Trust me -- it's one of the most healing activities!

Healing and Love,

Jenny

Finding Inner Peace

"Finding Peace" 14x16 acrylic on canvas board

$95 inflamed

$115 frames

Today I would like to address the issue of finding inner peace in a world that is pure chaos.  This is not an easy thing to do.  I struggle with it every single day, but it's worth it.

When I painted this, I was searching desperately for even a glimmer of hope and peace in my life.  I decided to paint what I was needing instead of simply what I was feeling.  This was another one of those pieces that I worked on over the course of several weeks to get it to where it felt complete. It started as a woman centered in chaos, in a position commonly associated with meditation.  Around her were bright swirls and splotches and darkness.  It was an okay painting for me, but did not evoke what I was going for.

So I took it home and continued to work.  As I added colors and details, the figure in the center somehow took on an appearance of pure peace.  No more abject terror.  Not bothered by the chaos anymore.  In fact, her calm radiates out into the chaos!

I'm going to digress from art for a moment here.  I once dated someone who would ground me by having me place my hand on his heart while he placed his hand on mine.  This would bring me back to the present during a flashback, get me breathing steadily when I was nearing an asthma attack, and generally soothe my spirit.

The reason I bring up this experience is because this painting is almost a reflection of that.  The peace within us can spread out to touch those near to us.  We can help calm the chaos not only for ourselves, but for those around us. 

Take a few deep breaths.  As you inhale, count to four and imagine drawing a line going up.  Hold that breath for four counts and imagine drawing a line perpendicular to your first one, forming a right angle.  As you exhale, count to four and draw a line down, then close your box as you hold for four counts before inhaling again.  I call this "breathing the box", and it's a technique I learned from a dear friend years ago.  It has been effective in grounding myself, and I have found it effective in helping others ground themselves as well.  So now I pass it on to you, my friends.

Practice calming breathing even when you're not overly stressed.  If you make it a daily practice, it won't be so hard to remember when you truly need it.  Whether you are about to fly, going to the grocery store, seeing someone you haven't seen in years, experiencing something for the first time -- breathe that box.  Stay in the moment.  You have the ability to calm the chaotic world and its effects on your psyche.  You do.  It is within us all.

Healing and Peace,
Jenny

Emotions

Let's talk about how anger and irritability cover up a lot of other stuff.

I'm choosing this topic today because I had horrifying nightmares all night, and I'm angry. I'm curious that I can't erase the images and sounds from my brain. That I can't reach in there and scrub my unpleasant memories away. 

But what is underneath our anger? What's underneath mine? Well, for me it's usually fear or pain. Fear that these nightmares will never stop. Fear that the grains of truth in them mean that there was even more truth to them than I could even imagine. Pain of relived events made worse by unchecked imagination. As I snap at my roommate, I'm snapping the neck of my abuser in the nightmares. As I yell at my dog for misbehaving, I'm screaming for someone to notice that I am hurting and it is affecting my entire f***ing life.

It's amazing how our moods can shift, how things from the past can affect us so much now. 

What makes you angry? What is underneath that shield of anger? You don't have to tell me, but learn to face it for yourself within yourself. Once you do, you'll find that these moments become a little easier to deal with and don't last as long.

Healing and Freedom from the past,

Jenny

Music in Healing

Let's talk about music for a moment.  If you are able, please start by checking out this song by Athens Creek. What emotions does this song bring to the surface for you? If you could draw or paint it, what would the emotions and sounds look like? If you were to dance it, what would your steps be, and what would they represent?  To me, it looks like smooth hips sashaying across the dance floor; seductive and sultry, but also issuing a warning: don't live like this.  As it shifts into the second half, we are hit with a song about grace.  Grace that anyone can be saved from their life of misery.  The very end mixes the two, and it comes out still smooth and swinging, but with a different type of confidence.

By comparison, listen to the following song, if you will: Hold Me by The Teskey Brothers.  Having listened to two songs that are quite different lyrically, rhythmically, and artistically, what are you feeling now?  Did you notice a distinct difference in how you felt during each one?  After each one?  I found this one more upbeat, bringing my mood up in spite of the message.  "Hold me, don't hold me down; carry me, but keep my feet on the ground."  It sounds like freedom, the rhythm making my blood hum in my ears, making my shoulders dance as I listen and do art, or write, or clean.  I find myself dancing through mundane chores; dancing through my pain, even if it's simply a shifting of my shoulders or a tap of my toes that wouldn't otherwise be there.

While music can be very triggering for people with PTSD, it is important to note that it is also healing for a multitude of ailments.  For chronic pain patients, it offers either distraction or despair.  For those with major depressive disorder, it offers solace that there are others like us, and that we can make it through this episode of abject numbness.  For those with anxiety, a friendly rhythm or melody can change a new or uncomfortable situation a little more familiar, leading us to be able to get through whatever has us so terrified.

Music has been a big part of my healing.  Whether creating it or listening to it, I have found my depression to last for shorter periods of time.  Instead of turning off the music when I feel annoyed (a sign that I am becoming symptomatic again), I keep trying different channels on my Pandora account until I find something that doesn't annoy me as much.  If I'm stuck in traffic, I turn on something with smooth lines and maybe some heavy bass; often reggae is the perfect fit to lower my blood pressure and make me feel far more calm about people driving like idiots.  Before bed, I turn on modern classical or meditation channels.

In a mood?  Try music, my friends.  Try music.

Healing and Empathy,
Jenny

Coping with Grief

I don't have a lot to say on this one. Done in honor of Ella Mae, the daughter I miscarried in 2015. Painted on what might have been her 4th birthday, judging by her due date.

Don't be afraid to face your traumas, your losses. I ended up having a really good day because I was prepared to allow myself a bad one. As my trauma therapist told me, "if you are willing for it to happen, it won't; if you are unwilling for it to happen, it will.". I bought cake mix and icing (lord knows I didn't think I'd have the energy to bake from scratch), made 2 dozen cupcakes. Delivered 1 dozen to my boyfriend's home so his granddaughters and he could enjoy them. Spent some time with them. Cuddled with my dog. Allowed the feelings to ebb and flow like the tide.

And it was a good day. Grief does not have to detract from a good day.

Healing and Cupcakes,

Jenny

Untitled (for now)

I actually just finished this one this morning. I have yet to name her. In my mind, she is serene, confident, adoring, vibrant, vivacious, and perhaps a bit salacious. She knows she is full of vitality, and she isn't afraid of herself. She won't dim her shine just because others think she is too bright. 

And neither will I. Not ever again.

Healing and Vitality,

Jenny

Discomfort

This post is purely to show that our emotions can come out in all different ways. Art does not have to look pleasant! It does not have to be comfortable to look at. In fact, I find that the ones making me most uncomfortable are the ones that make me think the most.

Wishing you Healing,

Jenny

Rebirth

This was more about rebirth and new life than it was about pregnancy. But what better way to express joy in new things to come, than a heavily pregnant woman with a peaceful smile on her face?

WIP 1

WIP = Work In Progress

Like most of us, I wish everything could be done in single sittings. But that's not so much how art works. That's not really how life works, either.

This particular project just started about three weeks ago. I was simply putting color to canvas when I started thinking it looked a bit psychedelic. So I decided to make it "weird". I haven't finished it. I haven't even figured out if it's going to turn into a therapy piece, or if I'm simply going to let it be art for the sake of art.

Sometimes we need to do that: let go and let things be.

Healing and Love,

Jenny

Shifting Tides

SOLD!!!

This has been a favorite since I finally finished it! There is so much to say about this piece. But first, I need to let you know about the class during which I started this one.

I do art therapy through a group here in Arizona, USA, called Reisilent Health Art Awakenings. Come August of this year, I will have been with them for three years. The class I first started going to is called Process Painting. In Process Painting, we are given a canvas, and we are to use that canvas for that class only, for an entire six weeks. We tend to start by attempting to still our minds. Several deep breaths with our eyes closed, perhaps a 3-minute relaxation meditation. Then the instructor reads from a book what our goal is for the day. It's often in the form of a guided meditation: "You are walking, uncertain of where you are. You come to a stream that is bubbling and bright. What are you feeling as the thick fog surrounding you lifts and colors get brighter? What do you see?" That kind of thing. It's very effective to get the class visualizing our emotions. When the music turns on, it's time to paint. We are to try to allow the music flow and the emotions move through us onto the canvases. Each week, we add to (or cover up) our paintings.

Sounds hokey, right? But it works! 

"How are you doing this during the pandemic?", you might ask. We have been using Zoom for all of our groups, and the on-site studio has been supplying, well, supplies. Paint, brushes, canvases. All within reason, of course. For anyone in Arizona looking for good therapy programs, I highly recommend Resilient Health Art Awakenings!!! They have programs for both adults and children, and they keep them totally separate by law.

This painting was about a pouring out of myself and not having enough left for me. Everyone around me was getting my "cake", while I was left with crumbs. It was time to start outpouring my love into myself now.

There are hidden gems in this painting. There is a flaming dragon. There's a phoenix rising. There is a free exchange of love.

What do you see?

Wishing you Healing and Light,

Jenny Hofschneider

let It Go

This was a relatively simple piece to do. I started with watercolors and did my balloon, then thought of all the things I need to stop allowing to control my life. Things like anger. Things like bitterness, heartache, a need for perfection. Things like pain, hostility, shame. 

The inspiration for this watercolor came from a session with my trauma therapist. We were talking about uncomfortable emotions and how sometimes we just need to let them be. Let them be what they are. But don't ruminate on them and allow them to take control of how you live.

Don't let fear keep you from leaving your home.

Don't let anger keep you from trusting again.

Don't let pain keep you isolated.

Don't let a need for perfection keep you from trying something new. 

Don't let shame keep you from being yourself, and being proud of your growth.

Learn to let things go. I promise, even though it seems hokey, it works wonders. Letting go of my need for perfection has allowed me to become artistic. Letting go of value judgement (this is bad, that is good) has allowed me to grow in my uniqueness. Letting go of shame has allowed me to see greatness within myself.

Most importantly, letting go of others' opinions when they have no bearing on my life has allowed me to become my own person instead of catering to everyone around me. I'm learning not to beat myself up so savagely anymore.

Healing and Forward Momentum,

Jenny Hofschneider

Reaching for Heaven

SOLD!

I have only recently started to work on the human form in painting. Specifically women, mostly silhouettes with vibrant highlights. 

For this piece, "Reaching for Heaven", a friend had given me two canvases with acrylic pour. An acrylic pour is done using thinned acrylic paints. You layer different colors of paint in a cup then pour directly only the canvas (or whatever base you are using). As the paint spreads, it creates a pattern across the surface. It can also be done by pouring one color at a time. See here for example This person used a hair dryer to get the effects she wanted, making it a bit more precise in nature. I personally prefer allowing the paint to go where it wants to go and seeing what you end up with.

So I started this painting with one of the poured backgrounds given to me by my friend. I was simply doing shapes and attempting to get a silhouette started, and I found myself in the painting. It was me reaching toward Heaven. It was me with the wind blowing in my hair, watching this intense eclipse, light shining from my face. It was me begging for whatever help might be out there for me.

This was my very first piece to sell, and it sold just yesterday. Some of my best pieces become gifts for dear friends. I may post some of the old photos I have of those, simply to share what's possible when thinking outside the box.

Wishing you a day filled with healing creatively,

Jenny Hofschneider

Welcome!

Welcome to my art blog! My photos of my work don't always catch all the colors or angles properly (I don't have a proper camera, just my phone), but I'm putting myself out there anyway.

My name is Jenny. I use art as therapy to face my history of PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder), major depressive disorder, and general anxiety. All of my work is original. 98% of my work is related to mental health. That is why I decided to have my first posting be my "Brain Worms" painting.

Please be kind in feedback. Remember that we each have our own journey to wellness. No two roads will look the same. If you are also an artist, remember to be kind to *yourself* as well! It's not always about technique, but about processing the events in one's life. 

Whether you are facing grief, trauma, loss, joy, excitement, anger, depression, or anything else on the emotional spectrum, art is a great way to awaken your soul.

Everything here is available for sale as well! I do mark pieces that have sold as "SOLD". If you are interested in purchasing a specific item, please contact me at: soulawakeningart@gmail.com

Thank you for visiting Soul Awakening Art! Wishing you all healing and blessings,

Jenny Hofschneider